New: I'm me again

Something happened today. I'm not sure what. I'd like to think that a Big Guy upstairs was involved! I feel like me again. Like a zest for life has returned, and a positive me is there somewhere that I thought I had lost, or was at least in great danger of losing. Maybe it's something hormonal? Damn things. Maybe not. Maybe it just IS and I'm not going to go further than that, because I feel happy about it. Really.

I've been contemplating life a lot lately. Wondering how it is that I've come here, and how it's certainly not been anything like I thought, I'm not in a place where I thought I would be. That's been really disappointing and discouraging. Especially since I realize that all these things are a result of my own decisions. If only I could change some of them, and not have wasted my time and had these disappointments that hinge on fallible humans. I should never have put my eggs in that basket!

So somewhere along the way I've lost track of my goal of what makes me happy. The inspiration that led to the drive to get through university. The determination that got me through those 5 years. I've been a bit lost these last 2. Now, it's time to get back on that trip...and make my life go in a different direction. The rest will hopefully follow. No more time to waste feeling sorry for myself. I can choose to be down or up. I'd rather live an 'up' life, myself!

So I'm going to plan on it. And as they say, planning makes steps and goals visable and then hopefully reachable and doable. So there!

Just sayin.

Found something

I wish I was more of a literary type. I suppose that's why I'm drawn and fascinated by all you brainy types. And that's why I'm such a visual type. I suppose.
I just found this tonight...

Send "Chapter Ix: Frozen Heart... Lonely Soul..." Ringtone to Cell Phone Ringtones

"Desde que me mim nasceste / Since you were born within
Naquela noite misteriosa / In that secretive night
N£o mais morreste / Never haven't withered
Na minha alma silenciosa... / Inside my mute soul..."

In a single tear I weep over my entire life
And you angel who remains within
Lay bare my lost happiness
Just for one last moment as I'm towards the end...

My heart lies numb, frozen
Out of utter bitterness
For the fire of passion burnt
In its sweet grave of loneliness

I'm the still darkness
I'm melancholy's ache
I'm the loneliness which cannot fill the void
I'm a cry of agony

I feel so lonely, so blank
So cold, so deaden
Locus Horrendus in a gloomy world
Flame far down from the deep hell

"Meu ser habita na Noite e no Desejo.
Minha almaÿ© uma lembran§a que h¡ em mim."

All I ever wanted was a kiss
All I ever wanted was to draw out
A single teardrop from you
My whole being dwells
On the night and in desire...
My soul lives under the bewitching moon

I'm the still darkness
I'm melancholy's ache
I'm the loneliness which cannot fill the void
I'm a cry of agony

I'm the still darkness
I'm melancholy's ache
I'm the loneliness which cannot fill the void
I'm a cry of agony

My soul is bound to yours
I cannot tear myself away from you!...



Deeeeeeeep....and I wish that was an action and a reality right now. But it's not going to be. So be it.

I've felt lost, and I'm being found. Reincarnated in real time (life)...right now. Yup. I will be...

I like living in my world...and maybe I will stay that way a while.

Thanksgiving in Canada

I'm truly thankful this Thanksgiving. I just a few moments ago arrived back from visiting my family on the Sunshine Coast that was actually a bit sunny this weekend! Ferries ran an hour or so late. Lots of waiting, and that's a good thing.

I love how relaxed I feel when I come back. It's like nothing matters, and everything will be or is okay. When I leave the city to go, I'm in a panic and rushed and tense. I don't realize how much until I get there, and then I can't seem to speak or have any energy for at least a day or more. Then I start to feel relaxed and unwound enough to come alive again. That's when I realize how needed it is for me to get away to do so. Also, home cooking is soooooo worth it!

My sister has just moved back there to PR. I helped her set up her place today a bit, with what few hours I had. I slept in a bit longer than I thought I would. Why can't the world work on night hours instead of morning?! So I helped her unpack and move things to where they should be.

On Sunday I helped to rearrange Dad's tool truck. Clean and rearrange. Rearrange and polish and dust. It was actually quite satisfying. We hung some cabinets for the neighbour's new garage that Dad has built for him. That saved some money.

Today I cut my Mom's hair. Yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner...and i had my first attempt at making Ethiopian food. It didn't turn out all that bad. Actually, I was impressed. I found a recipe for making berbere, the spices that bring the taste of Ethiopian food. I got some Ethiopian bread, or 'injera' before coming up, and that made for an interesting dinner. I was amazed at how quickly we got full, the same as in an Ethiopian restaurant.

Then all too soon it was time to come home to the city again. It always comes too soon. I just want to stay in this relaxed mode. It's so nice. How the heck do I get so wound up anyway? I don't even really notice it...until I go away. Anyway, that's how it is. Fresh new beginnings too. Yay! See? I can even get down to business and find time to write! Woohoo!

G'nite for now.

Let me introduce you to Polyvore!!

I've been hooked on it. It's a creative outlet for me, and I LOVE it!








So there it is.

Now I have to go back to work

I really have to keep it up herre! Geez!

Morning Papers

This morning was waking up from a night of indulgence that I'm paying for. It's been a long time since I've done that! Knotty Boy had an after work party of sorts, hanging out in the crevice between buildings with few benches inbetween. It was quite nice to just sit and socialize.
The Sufi zikr was happening next door. It was nice to finally see it, and connect with what that felt like, from an observer's point of view.

Michael just got a pen and ink set, yes, pen and ink. A fountain pen. With India ink. And Paper! He is doing it to put cursive hand writing into practice. Funny that, because I just got an old typewriter mostly for the aesthetic of it, and for the concept that I have to think more before I type! You have to think and plan before you type! It's really nice. Oh, and type on nice paper too. I love paper.



Paper reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend, John. We are both design minded, and we were talking of hanging paper as functional uses in a room. And that makes me think of paper on the windows in China. How many things we use paper for. We don't appreciate it very much, or as much as we should.

THen listening to some nice violin music composed from a cross country journey by foot across Spain I think. You can hear the wind in the trees or on the mountain ranges in the music. The journey. Not static. Moving.

I've begun a painting that I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm so happy about that! I will post it when I'm done, or maybe the progression of painting. Yeah, that's a good idea!

Allright, I'm finishing for now. More to come.

Silently....eclipse

...across my heart... I used to love this song. I just like the sound and feeling of it.
Well here we are in February already. I dont know where the time flies to. The eclipse was tonight. Eerie and beautiful and crazy and...
I was just watching ballroom dancing. Makes me want to do that again. Tango! I love that feeling...of moving in sync with another. So powerful and amazing.

My word! Looking back on the previous posts I was pretty depressed! I'm glad I've come a long way since then. Posting it for all the world to see. Wowzers. That's what happened...it's not like me to be that way...but it was something I needed to go through.

Now things are looking up. Healthy mind = healthy body...that's the goal.