Wendy's Output

Heart on My Sleeve...

2009-01-06T09:21:00.001-08:00

New: I'm me again

2008-11-16T23:43:00.000-08:00

Something happened today. I'm not sure what. I'd like to think that a Big Guy upstairs was involved! I feel like me again. Like a zest for life has returned, and a positive me is there somewhere that I thought I had lost, or was at least in great danger of losing. Maybe it's something hormonal? Damn things. Maybe not. Maybe it just IS and I'm not going to go further than that, because I feel happy about it. Really.

I've been contemplating life a lot lately. Wondering how it is that I've come here, and how it's certainly not been anything like I thought, I'm not in a place where I thought I would be. That's been really disappointing and discouraging. Especially since I realize that all these things are a result of my own decisions. If only I could change some of them, and not have wasted my time and had these disappointments that hinge on fallible humans. I should never have put my eggs in that basket!

So somewhere along the way I've lost track of my goal of what makes me happy. The inspiration that led to the drive to get through university. The determination that got me through those 5 years. I've been a bit lost these last 2. Now, it's time to get back on that trip...and make my life go in a different direction. The rest will hopefully follow. No more time to waste feeling sorry for myself. I can choose to be down or up. I'd rather live an 'up' life, myself!

So I'm going to plan on it. And as they say, planning makes steps and goals visable and then hopefully reachable and doable. So there!

Just sayin.

Found something

2008-10-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

I wish I was more of a literary type. I suppose that's why I'm drawn and fascinated by all you brainy types. And that's why I'm such a visual type. I suppose.
I just found this tonight...

Send "Chapter Ix: Frozen Heart... Lonely Soul..." Ringtone to Cell Phone Ringtones

"Desde que me mim nasceste / Since you were born within
Naquela noite misteriosa / In that secretive night
NÂ£o mais morreste / Never haven't withered
Na minha alma silenciosa... / Inside my mute soul..."

In a single tear I weep over my entire life
And you angel who remains within
Lay bare my lost happiness
Just for one last moment as I'm towards the end...

My heart lies numb, frozen
Out of utter bitterness
For the fire of passion burnt
In its sweet grave of loneliness

I'm the still darkness
I'm melancholy's ache
I'm the loneliness which cannot fill the void
I'm a cry of agony

I feel so lonely, so blank
So cold, so deaden
Locus Horrendus in a gloomy world
Flame far down from the deep hell

"Meu ser habita na Noite e no Desejo.
Minha almaÃ¿Â© uma lembranÂ§a que hÂ¡ em mim."

All I ever wanted was a kiss
All I ever wanted was to draw out
A single teardrop from you
My whole being dwells
On the night and in desire...
My soul lives under the bewitching moon

I'm the still darkness
I'm melancholy's ache
I'm the loneliness which cannot fill the void
I'm a cry of agony

I'm the still darkness
I'm melancholy's ache
I'm the loneliness which cannot fill the void
I'm a cry of agony

My soul is bound to yours
I cannot tear myself away from you!...

Deeeeeeeep....and I wish that was an action and a reality right now. But it's not going to be. So be it.

I've felt lost, and I'm being found. Reincarnated in real time (life)...right now. Yup. I will be...

I like living in my world...and maybe I will stay that way a while.

Thanksgiving in Canada

2008-10-14T01:28:00.000-07:00

I'm truly thankful this Thanksgiving. I just a few moments ago arrived back from visiting my family on the Sunshine Coast that was actually a bit sunny this weekend! Ferries ran an hour or so late. Lots of waiting, and that's a good thing.

I love how relaxed I feel when I come back. It's like nothing matters, and everything will be or is okay. When I leave the city to go, I'm in a panic and rushed and tense. I don't realize how much until I get there, and then I can't seem to speak or have any energy for at least a day or more. Then I start to feel relaxed and unwound enough to come alive again. That's when I realize how needed it is for me to get away to do so. Also, home cooking is soooooo worth it!

My sister has just moved back there to PR. I helped her set up her place today a bit, with what few hours I had. I slept in a bit longer than I thought I would. Why can't the world work on night hours instead of morning?! So I helped her unpack and move things to where they should be.

On Sunday I helped to rearrange Dad's tool truck. Clean and rearrange. Rearrange and polish and dust. It was actually quite satisfying. We hung some cabinets for the neighbour's new garage that Dad has built for him. That saved some money.

Today I cut my Mom's hair. Yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner...and i had my first attempt at making Ethiopian food. It didn't turn out all that bad. Actually, I was impressed. I found a recipe for making berbere, the spices that bring the taste of Ethiopian food. I got some Ethiopian bread, or 'injera' before coming up, and that made for an interesting dinner. I was amazed at how quickly we got full, the same as in an Ethiopian restaurant.

Then all too soon it was time to come home to the city again. It always comes too soon. I just want to stay in this relaxed mode. It's so nice. How the heck do I get so wound up anyway? I don't even really notice it...until I go away. Anyway, that's how it is. Fresh new beginnings too. Yay! See? I can even get down to business and find time to write! Woohoo!

G'nite for now.

Let me introduce you to Polyvore!!

2008-08-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've been hooked on it. It's a creative outlet for me, and I LOVE it!

So there it is.

Now I have to go back to work

I really have to keep it up herre! Geez!

Morning Papers

2008-06-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

This morning was waking up from a night of indulgence that I'm paying for. It's been a long time since I've done that! Knotty Boy had an after work party of sorts, hanging out in the crevice between buildings with few benches inbetween. It was quite nice to just sit and socialize.
The Sufi zikr was happening next door. It was nice to finally see it, and connect with what that felt like, from an observer's point of view.

Michael just got a pen and ink set, yes, pen and ink. A fountain pen. With India ink. And Paper! He is doing it to put cursive hand writing into practice. Funny that, because I just got an old typewriter mostly for the aesthetic of it, and for the concept that I have to think more before I type! You have to think and plan before you type! It's really nice. Oh, and type on nice paper too. I love paper.

Paper reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend, John. We are both design minded, and we were talking of hanging paper as functional uses in a room. And that makes me think of paper on the windows in China. How many things we use paper for. We don't appreciate it very much, or as much as we should.

THen listening to some nice violin music composed from a cross country journey by foot across Spain I think. You can hear the wind in the trees or on the mountain ranges in the music. The journey. Not static. Moving.

I've begun a painting that I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm so happy about that! I will post it when I'm done, or maybe the progression of painting. Yeah, that's a good idea!

Allright, I'm finishing for now. More to come.

Silently....eclipse

2008-02-20T23:52:00.000-08:00

...across my heart... I used to love this song. I just like the sound and feeling of it.
Well here we are in February already. I dont know where the time flies to. The eclipse was tonight. Eerie and beautiful and crazy and...
I was just watching ballroom dancing. Makes me want to do that again. Tango! I love that feeling...of moving in sync with another. So powerful and amazing.

My word! Looking back on the previous posts I was pretty depressed! I'm glad I've come a long way since then. Posting it for all the world to see. Wowzers. That's what happened...it's not like me to be that way...but it was something I needed to go through.

Now things are looking up. Healthy mind = healthy body...that's the goal.

Reverb

2007-12-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

Funny how things come around and resurface in different and interesting and surprising ways. A VIP is back in my life, and it seems to be destiny and fate. Whichever you prefer.

Tearing and Pulling and Stretching

2007-11-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

this is how I'm feeling lately. Anyone else? Powerful things are happening in my life that I believe Someone Very Important is making happen. Or letting or allowing. Everything that I have hung on to in my life is all breaking away, falling off, uprooted. It's really hard but cleansing at the same time. I've asked for guidance and this is what is happening. It's really scary and really quite sad in a lot of ways. It's scary not knowing what's going to happen next...not feeling like I have a lot of hands on control over my life and which way I have wanted or want it to go. But this is part of what seems to be the way it should be. Trust and belief...
...But now what?
I never wanted to be alone, but I am. I'm coming to the belief that we all are...no matter if we're in a relationship or not. Or with friends or family for that matter.

THere's so many projects that I have on my mind that I want to do. Life is happening at warp speed but all I want it to do right now is slow down. After going to Squamish this past weekend, I realized I just want to get away....live there, and work in the city??> Hmmm. Funny that. Have a family, work, play, and I wonder if I'm asking too much. SOmehow I think I might be. But I can always dream and have goals.

What if they don't seem to happen? THen you just go along for the ride...and learn to deal with what life gives you the best you can. I dont want to be a bitter person. THat really worries me. But then again...I worry too much...

Right...I look at the opportunities that I have ...and I have to realize that I'm lucky to have the freedom to do so.

So now what. Try to use my talents and abilities for others. And stop being so damn selfish and self analytical...and get out and DO something. Do ya think...? ha.

Try to stop living in the past and what could have been, and try to live in the future, and what could be...

somehow

you mustn't be afraid of death
you're a deathless soul
you can't be kept in a dark grave
you're filled with God's glow

be happy with your beloved
you can't find any better
the world will shimmer
because of the diamond you hold

when your heart is immersed
in this blissful love
you can easily endure
any bitter face around

in the absence of malice
there is nothing but
happiness and good times
don't dwell in sorrow my friend

-Rumi

Love Strike

2007-10-22T02:08:00.000-07:00

Well...that title is sticking for me. Yep...I think I'm oficially on a love strike. Guess that's how it is... Seems I need to have time for aloneness. Like I needed any more! But there's a reason for it.

love strike

2007-10-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Oh will I never learn. I keep just going back for more and at times I wonder about myself. Someone so special to me is ..well, the situation is on the last page of a book that could be quite a good storyl...but i wish that it could end differently. But at the same time....it's ending well...as it could be i suppose. THis is someone who means the world to me and to be without.....well lets say that you know that saying....its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I just wish to God that it could have been complete.
For whatever reasons it isn't there are reasons why it could be....and that's what plagues me. Also the fact that I got too scared about some things and let it affect someone else more that I could imagine...and I feel like the awful-lest bitchy diva to someone who is the sweetest person I've ever known. He's stuck with me through a lot of stuff...and I suppose it's the last straw now...because it cant go both ways at once. Oh so Unfortunatly.
This is the reason why I think about jumping off a really high building and jumping on to beds of something really destructive ...to convey the point of how distraught I feel that I've not been able to hold up to my end of the bargain like i should.

What can I do but let go like he once let go of me. Willingly, trustingly....so that I was amazed and fell even more.

But things like this are meant to happen for a reason...but I do really sincerely wish that thre was an end to sadness or hurt or guilt or anger ....and all of that....broken hearts...hurt feelings....because it's just not right!

Officially Moving

2007-09-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

http://wendychamberlain.blogspot.com

Ready, set, GO

2007-09-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

Or..conversely, rock, paper, scissors!! (bahyee, bahyee, bo! as the Korean kids say). Man I do miss those kids. Wierd how that happens.

So I'm going to try to blog here now. It's time to change and leave the past on another blog. The best adventure I've had yet. Who knows, maybe i'll have another one someday.

So now I've been here in Vancouver almost a year allready! I cant believe how fast the time flies! Wowzers! Unbelievable. Went through all the culture shock and all of that for 6 months. Funny how I had all the culture shock here, and not there. Well, really, its not all that surprising if you know me. Heh.

I'm sooo glad for the opportunities that were there for me. It's crazy how that worked. I've learned sooo much about myself and the world around me. And now I'm quite sick of talking about Korea this, and Korea that! Ha! Well to people who don't really care or know how to relate. That's how it is I guess.

I'm wondering how to take my next steps, and what to do with myself now. Hairdressing will wear on me after a while, and I'll want to do more in design. And I'm letting fears get in the way..and it's time to move on, and concrete those goals that I've been dreaming of in the back of my mind.

Whatever happened to my drive and stubbornness to 'do it anyway and prove them wrong that I can do it?" ha. Well, it's time. Cmon Wendy, get off yer butt and GO!

That's it for now folks. Till next time...

What a day!

2005-02-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

Well kids, the last few days have been really needed...a trip to Saltspring Island to help my friends move. Fresh island air, and simpleness. I forget just what a difference that is until i go over there! Yes, there are actually stars in the sky! Big and bright ones..and lots of em too! Woooooo!

Well...it's been a huge day because I got some amazing news today too...I got a very important phone call from a certain unmentionable someone at this time. We'll see.

Now...here goes the adventure....hang on!

Wendy's Page

2005-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

Hey! Guess what? I've found a fun site...that I think will become my next main web site. So keep chekin, now that I can update this quite often. Woohooo! I got my puter back!

My web site for photos is: http://groups.msn.com/BendychasAdventures Check it out!

Now I gotta try to figger this place out. And I wanna put pictures on here too! Help!